Towards the back-end of last year, I had to make one of the hardest decisions of my life and that was to let go of a person that was causing me more sadness than they should have been.
For as long as I can remember, I have had a person, MY person (yes, I will use the phrase with pride, thanks Greys Anatomy!), in my life and no matter what, if we needed each other, we would always be there. Come break ups, make ups, dancing, singing and drinking, we would always have each others backs.
Somehow, I became the person she needed only when others weren’t there for her. When she needed to talk, she wouldn’t come to me, I was always the last option. When plans were made and cancelled over and over again. When boys were chosen over our plans and our friendship.
I made the decision to put our friendship on a hold, not ending it per say, just taking a break. To stop with the negativity, with the frustration and try to find each other again when we knew what to say to each other. But, when I did this, I made it perfectly clear that I would ALWAYS be there for her, I just couldn’t be there RIGHT NOW!
Eventually, after about 4 months of no communication, I reached out to her because I had this feeling that I needed to… I mean, after being best friends for over 15 years, you get a feel for when your person needs you! So I tried to message her and got no response, eventually I called and she answered and we talked and we cried and then, nothing. I didn’t hear from her again…
Two weeks later, I sent her a text and that conversation was the most forced conversation I have ever had… not from my side… from hers.
It takes a lot for me to reach out to someone after they have hurt me. It takes even more to apologise to someone and I have done that, so many times and yet here I am, trying to win my friend back and she just doesn’t want anything to do with me. I can’t keep doing it. It’s not fair for me to keep trying if it isn’t reciprocated.
So here I am, letting go. Bearing my soul on a public platform because it’s the only way I can get my thoughts and feelings out.
I have tried to be the person she needs, that wasn’t good enough, I have tried to back off because I thought that was what she needed too, that wasn’t right either so now, here I am saying goodbye.
Goodbye to 22 years (yes, I have had her in my life for longer than I haven’t) of friendship. Goodbye to all of those memories and goodbye to you.